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To whom it may concern: Seasons Greetings, (Release2.1)
An announcement made today to the Associated Press
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
The partridge will be fired and replaced with a Japanese
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
The four calling birds were replaced by an Automated Outcalling
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
Nine ladies dancing has recently been under serious attack. This
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
Up through the chimney quick, quick, quick.... is an acceptable
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
Press Release: Dated November 27, 1998
North Pole Corporate downsizing
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole. A decision will be
forthcoming. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that
the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution
business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have
diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and
permit further erosion of the profit picture.
late model Toyota Land Cruiser for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions. The Environmental Protection
Administration has released an impact statement and outlined projected
new standards. Poop pollution must diminish or we risk very serious
fines.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
(Note: for further information, see Corporate Traditional Values
Statement, 08-94, on file at the Office of the Director of Public
Relations and Corporate Statements and Stuff). Management denies, in
the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got red not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under
executive stress.
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
Whirligig, and the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop
forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours is
contrary to intra-office relationships policy and cannot be condoned.
The positions are therefore eliminated;
loves the French, and we are committed to building our
inter-national partnership in the European theater of operations.;
system, A call accounting analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
additionally, all future calls will be monitored to ensure quality
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order;
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be declared surplus, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by HR and AR will assure management that from now
on every goose it gets will be a good one; outsourcing eggs in the
form of "Egg-beaters" is under consideration.
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be referred to the Resource
Center to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement opportunities;
heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-word-processinging, a-filing, a-selling, or a-something;
function will be phased out. The National Association of Gals (NAG) is
calling the ladies dancing sexist, and typical of the chauvinist male
dominated workforce. These employees will be offered new positions
and training.
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
President Cabinet members. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed cabinet members this year;
of a division outliving it's usefulness. A contract has been signed
with our Music-on Hold Vendor, which will save the Corporation $1.5M
per anum;
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. Product
Sourcing is working on a process to use Fedex or some other carrier to
make our deliveries. First, it's far more cost effective, second,
signature as proof of delivery is required.
mission-statement, but we have to beat the competition in real time.
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending. Finally, it is not beyond consideration that
deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Mr.
Claus expresses in advance his sincere compassion for the lives of
those about to be lopped off. As a further cost savings, the
EasterBunny will be surplused, with eggs to be supplied by ARS Food
Service. Should further cost reduction seem like a good idea
sometime, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White and the Seven Vertically Challenged Persons group.
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