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The Top 20 Things I'd Do If I Were President
20. Marry Princess Di and declare Britain the 51st state.
19. Activate that Star Wars thing and whup some alien butt!
18. Deport Tom Arnold.
17. Call Russia on hotline. Ask to speak to Ivan Jackinov.
16. Declare Barry White to be the Ambassador of Love.
15. Dispatch the National Guard to kick Dennis Rodman's butt.
14. Get Air Force One detailed and go cruisin' for babes.
13. New national beverage - the 44 oz. Big Gulp.
12. Goodbye, Oval Office. Hello, home theater!
11. A night of "Showgirls" and Tequila shooters with Clarence Thomas.
10. Give the First Lady a ride on Air Force 1, if you know what I mean.
9. Declare war on Tahiti; fly there immediately to begin a month of peace talks.
8. Spin a globe real fast, pick a spot on it with a jab of my index finger,
7. Put Demi Moore on the $20 bill with the inscription "Mo' Better Money."
6. Bomb Jersey back to the Stone Age.
5. Three words: Rose Garden kegger.
4. Put together a bitchin' power trio and demand to headline Lollapalooza.
3. Give the State of the Union speech using a hand puppet.
2. Appoint Rush Limbaugh Ambassador to Doofusland.
1. Qualifications for my cabinet? Big Butt-Kissin' Lips.
Some advice for Clinton's next term:
then tell the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "We're goin' in!"
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