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- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
Deep Thoughts Contest
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a
lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends.
just any old yokel vote.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up.
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there.
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
it odd that I drive without pants.
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right?
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life?
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
just a lawn mower.
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
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