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On opening night of the Democratic convention, delegates were all doing
the Macarena. It's perfect for the Clintons. Every few seconds you
change positions.

Hllary Clinton said it takes a village to raise a child. Bob Dole said
it takes a family. The way some kids are today, you'd think they were
raised by the Village People and the Manson Family.

The Democrats snubbed Jimmy Carter by not letting him speak at the
convention. Carter will get the last laugh - sooner or later Bill and
Hillary are going to need a house.

The people I really feel sorry for in this campaign are the Secret
Service agents guarding Ross Perot. You train all your life to watch
out for that one lone nut... and it turns out he's the candidate.
(Leno)

A Tokyo mother is accused of helping her son bury the body of a teenage
girlfriend he killed. You know, that's why their kids do so much better
than ours... more parental involvment.

Jack Kevorkian broke his own record by attending four suicides in one
week. You have to admire the guy. His business keeps growing, all
without repeat customers.

Warner Brothers signed R.E.M. to an $80 million deal. The company had
expected to pay just $70 million, but found it could only book the band
through Ticketmaster.

Actor Jimmy Smits, of NYPD Blue, is reportedly being stalked by a fan.
He says he's going to fight back, get rough if he has to. Talk about
the Smits hitting the fan... (Leno)

The makers of Pez have come up with a battery powered dispenser. It
will be the first semiautomatic candy dispenser endorsed by the NRA.

Brazil is putting a male birth control pill on the market. It's taken
years to make it user friendly. It tastes like beer so men will
remember to take it, and it's easy to use so men won't have to stop to
ask for directions.

Geraldo Rivera promised that his revamped, more upstanding show will
adhere to a 10 point "Talk Show Bill of Rights and Responsibilities."
Unfortunbately, not one of them is the right to remain silent.

And finally, police arrested Elizabeth Taylor's estranged husband Larry
Fortensky on various charges including illegal parking. Apparently, his
15 minutes ran out... again.


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