Joke Pages

new computer viruses


People - please note! The following new computer viruses have
been detected. Please be alert for them when you scan your
computers --- which you -ARE- doing, I trust.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack ---once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component of your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,
ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCS infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs....
No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS VIRUS: Attempts to
secretly go after all your files, but not without first unintentionally
letting you know about it by calling a local news station.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS: Puts up lots of incoherent meaningless
messages on your screen. Also takes up a lot of disk space.

MICROSOFT WINDOWS VIRUS: Turns your OS into a cumbersome
unwieldy jumble of nonsensical buttons, menus and commands and also degrades
the performance of your PC. (Whoops,that's not a virus. Never mind.)

Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to
your PC!


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