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Dubious Distinctions:

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
dubious distinctions.

Tortoise Trophy

To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large
capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My
client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began
screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex
and then moved onto intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up
post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield croft, having
beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat.
Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his
ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a
New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going
on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.


Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


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