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2 Baby Stories from the UK

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the govern-
ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the
first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy
father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem
by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to......."

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the
right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry
and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but
if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business
card says, 'I aim to please'."'."

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at
this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in
downtown London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was
so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."

Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at
the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a
couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was
approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a
pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now
take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big
department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work."

Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.
Ms Smith?
......... Ms Smith? ........ My word, she's fainted!"


A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting
really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated
and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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