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FW:Baywatch Barbie

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu
tans and synthetic busts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV
tie-ins seem certain to follow.

Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored
with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from
high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously

Barbies We'd Like to see:

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, a generous backside, and voluminous thighs to show
girl that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature
basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's
walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips,
a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery
on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for
women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may
be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in
order to make ends meet.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah
for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
jeans. Comes with hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and she says things like "I don't think so," and "You go, girl."
Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Fromerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!"

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