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Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes it presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be
much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revoluntionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a virus, but
instead refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe
cant figyour outt watt !

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their
data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Take a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

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